An account of suicide

Mom attempted suicide this weekend (self.SuicideWatch)

submitted 4 months ago by holyshitthr0waway

xpost from /r/twoxchromosomes

My mom attempted suicide this weekend. On Friday she took 60 Ativans all at once and expected not to wake up. She left a note. My parents have been going through a difficult divorce and she cited this as the reason for what she did. She took the pills Friday, and was apparently passed out (or comatose, we'll never know) all day Saturday. I live with her usually but I was at my Dad's for the weekend.

I got a weird text (unintelligible) from her Sunday morning and remembered that she had been prescribed this Ativan on Thursday and was worried she was going to try to drive, so I headed home at 6:30 AM and that was when I found her and took her to the hospital. I guess basically I'm still in crisis control mode. Because my parents are separated and my siblings are either far away or minors, I was the one in control of the whole situation, or trying to be. I think I still have the adrenaline thing going on. I haven't cried yet. I feel like some sort of professional trying to deal with this from the outside. I don't even know what I feel except pretty angry, which I guess is natural. I'm angry that she felt the need to end her life and that she knew I would be the one to find her.

If I'm all numb now...does that mean I'm going to have a breakdown later? I don't want to. I mean, truly, is it healthy for me to feel this disconnected? I feel like everyone around me is crying and everything and I feel almost nothing, or like my body is trying to protect me from the truth. I remember when one of my friends died, his brother dealt with it kind of the same way and he's all fucked up now. I don't want that to happen.

My mom is in a psych ward for now until they release her. She is trying to bust out of there ASAP. I don't want her to but she has her rights and after 48 hours she can do whatever she wants if the doctors deem her well enough to check out.

Edit I think it is finally starting to set in now, but slowly. I went in to work today but had to leave 2 hours early because my brain just kind of shut off and I put my head on my desk and stared for awhile. I work with special needs kids and knew I couldn't have a breakdown in front of them. Haven't had a breakdown yet but I will definitely get some sleep. And I'm actually kind of thinking I shouldn't be driving, as weird as that sounds. It was very hard for me to focus on the road and I felt nervous not going reeeeeeally slow.

Right now I just really want to go after the idiot psychiatrist who prescribed her 60 Adivans (a new medication for her) without having physically seen her in 3 months. Just called in the prescriptions. The psych won't answer my calls or messages and I'm sure it's because she is worried about losing her license.

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[–]4chan_ 3 points 4 months ago

She needs some help in this time. But take care of yourself, please.

hugs

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[–]alienleaks 2 points 4 months ago

I will be around for about 2 more hours, pm if you feel like talking Do not panic, is completely normal to break down.

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[–]kscrimsher 2 points 4 months ago

Crisis mode will keep you together until you have time to fall apart. Don't worry too much about going after the psychiatrist right now - what you need to do is focus on your own life, and to some extent helping your younger siblings and mom. I doubt with school and work you will have time to support your mom, but she sounds very fragile right now. Try to be a positive force in her life. When my sister was hospitalized, I brought her art supplies and just listened to her talk. We have a difficult relationship but I remember to be human. Be kind to yourself, and keep us updated.

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[–]biteysaur 2 points 4 months ago

Wow, that is fucking intense. Take some time off work if you need to, anything to get some time for just you. I know you're worried about your mom, but it sounds like you already have a lot on your plate and it can be extremely emotionally exhausting to have to parent a parent, and its important to give yourself time away from everything to re-charge. It's good that you're posting on here, writing about stuff can be cathartic. I hope you have some very solid friends who can support you right now and some kind of creative outlet for your stress!

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[–]PleaseDontJudge 1 point 3 months ago

Please do not take this the wrong way but I am a little jealous and at the same time very, very happy the attempt failed. My mother-in-law forcibly removed herself from this world in the bedroom of me and my husband. A few days before, she tried the pill route and failed and all I can say is this: Hope for the absolute best, prepare for the absolute worst. Be sure you are taking time for self reflection in these coming days so that you can be supportive of your mother to the best of your humanly ability. I say humanly ability because some things are out of our control and we still blame ourselves for trusting the ER when they said the pills won't hurt her, take her home, she will be fine. It is all about instinct. If you feel that something is wrong call 911, you are not helpless. I know how you feel, literally, having been in that situation and it is scary, especially not knowing what may lie ahead. Be greatful, and I don't mean that in a "get over it" voice, I mean it as she is still here, embrace that instead of dwelling on what did, or could, or should have happened because someday you might not have that chance for whatever reason. I know I wish I had because I still feel really guilty.

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[–]maxwh0 1 point 3 months ago

Its clear you understand this is a serious problem and everyone has their own way of dealing with these kinds of things. Fact is you can't avoid the situation. It is hard for anyone to comment on such a topic and give advice because it all depends on your mother but at this point, you need to do whatever you can to make sure you're mother will be okay. Thankfully, she is still alive. I myself lost my mother to suicide in 2006. She suffered from depression. My best advice is to make sure you are okay. After my mother passed, I went in a big down spiral and I'm still trying to get out of it. Anyway, my point is to stay positive and stay with reality as much as you can. Avoid being alone. <---Thats very important. Don't let yourself get lost in this bad situation. Anyway, good luck to you.