Humans are by nature not a solitary but a social creature. Our social
nature makes us happier when we are in others' company, and less so
when confined in solitude. However, there are certain occasions, or
situations when we intentionally prefer to isolate ourselves from
others. While some isolation can awaken our creativity, others can do
just the opposite; depending on one's ability to manage the situation.
Throughout history, many great achievers from various fields tapped
their hidden potentials while in solitude. I am yet to see or learn
about a great man or woman who has not realised the importance of
solitude to the achievement of success. Even Jesus Christ, with his
divine nature, realised this fact, which was the reason he often
withdrew from everybody including his disciples before facing
difficult situations such as Satan's temptations in the wilderness,
and his arrest and his subsequent crucifixion.
All self-imposed solitudes do not arouse creativeness, because it is
not all self-isolated people that recognise the importance, and can
exploit the enormous potential of this element, to their benefit; even
some of those who understand its importance, might not have the
burning desire, and the discipline it requires to exploit it to their
advantage.
Thus, quite often, isolation is very destructive instead of the
contrary, especially when negative emotions such as: fear, jealousy,
hatred, bitterness, revenge, greed, superstition, anger, bitterness
and self-blame or regret, frustration, and suspicion surround it.
Before going further, it is worth stating what 'Separation' here
means. The subject of this article refers to parting between two
lovers, either by divorce, in friendship or courting. It also concerns
separation by the death of a loved, or a closed one.
We're living in an era where separation is seen as the normal way of
life. Many people even believe that when there is a storm in a
relationship, it is better to leave instead of finding ways to remedy
the situation. Hence, either we have in one time or the other
experience this problem, or encounter those that are going through it,
of have gone through. Nobody is immune form separation from a loved
one. What is the connection between isolation and the subject of this
article, "Living Through Separation", you may wonder. The two relate
because isolation is one of the most common defence devices that
people that are going through separation often resort to. They usually
isolate themselves from their relatives, neighbours, friends, and
associates. Their solitary attitude could be attributed principally to
fear. They are often afraid of what people will say or think about
their negative emotions, because they assume that people will never
understand their feelings from their perspective.
Also they are often afr aid that people will blame them for the
collapse of their relationship. If you are passing through this
unfortunate period, and your intention is to live through it
successfully within the shortest time possible, isolation is the least
attitude that you need. Alternatively, all that you need most is the
profound comprehension of the facts governing your present experience,
and the best ammunitions to employ to combat the negative emotions
successfully.
A. BASIC FACTS GOVERNING THE PERIOD OF SEPARATION
First, separation is a life-changing phenomenon. Once it occurs, your
life will change completely. It will change either positively or
negatively, depending on how you handle the situation. Regardless of
all the good intentions and efforts of your closed ones, if you
consciously or unconsciously refuse to sum-up yourself to create
happiness for yourself as soon as possible, all their efforts to help
you would be fruitless.
Creatively managed separation is a life transforming experience, for
it will awaken your latent potential. Separation will definitely bring
about life's enriching, learning experience, and personal growth. It
is important to underline here that, no matter how it happens, you
will never be the same, as it will make you stronger psychologically,
and sometimes, spiritually too, and it will make you wiser.
Third, separation as both learning and a self-awakening process could
enable you to understand yourself better; although sometimes the
process could be very painful. No matter how painful it might be, it
always has a silver lining, for it will enable you to realise both
your strengths and weaknesses, provided, at a given time, you analyse
the situation profoundly. Doing so enables you to uncover your
mistakes, and also to realise that some of your predicaments may have
been self-inflicted. Thus, it will be possible for you to make the
necessary corrections or adjustments in your subsequent relationship,
or relationships.
Fourth, having negative emotions during the process of separation is
quite normal, desirable, and even a healthy experience. Negative
emotions such as anger and bitterness, frustration, self-blame or the
feeling of guilt and fear are parts of grief's healing process.
However, they only become very destructive if you allow them to
dominate your thoughts, and harbouring them for a very long time. In
order words, the more you master them, and get rid of them as quickly
as possible, the easier and sooner you would pass through the agony
successful.
Furthermore, even if you were the cause of the collapse of your
relationship, living forever with that guilt can be very detrimental
to both your health and to your chances of overcoming the situation
successfully. One of the easiest and direct remedies to the feeling of
guilt, which could be the best thing you can do for yourself, is to
look for a person that you can trust, who is very understanding,
affectionate, and should have great patience, a good listener, and
should be capable of encouraging you to talk freely. Consequently, you
will be relieved of the heaviness in your mind; thereby getting over
the negative emotions easily and quicker. Later, the person should
remind you of all your strengths, and the reasons why you should not
allow your guilty feeling to enslave you.
Besides, allowing guilt to engulf you is an indication of your
inability to recognise the fact that no matter how intelligent and
wise one may seem, he or she is not immune from making mistakes. Life
of absolute perfection is not human, but supernatural, and nobody is a
superhuman. All that counts most is your ability to accept your
mistakes, correct them when necessary, and learn from them, and move
on with your life.
Again, it is baseless and unhelpful to be suspicious of everybody
around you when grieving separation. It is baseless because among
those around you, there are certainly those who really love and care
for you. So it is advisable to find them out, lean on them, and trust
them to help you retrieve both happiness and an inspiration, to
victoriously overcome your difficult situation.
Human nature impels us to directly or indirectly seek comfort and
support from others when we are confronting huddles of life. Under
normal circumstances, people like to help those who are open to them,
and would be receptive to their kindness. Suspicion does not only
repel people, it also wounds their feelings towards us, thereby making
it difficult, and if not impossible for them to help us when we need
their help.
B. HANDLING ANGER AND BITTERNESS
Anger and bitterness as effects of separation is an indication of your
protest against your sad and lamentable experience. It is a normal,
and a necessary ingredient to the healing of your grief.
The first method of handling your anger is to talk about it as many
times as possible. This requires identifying a relative, neighbour,
friend, or associate whom you love and admire, who can understand and
respect your feeling, and encourage you to offload your bitterness by
having the patience to listen to you.
The second strategy is the easiest, and one of the most effective, yet
usually ignored. It entails putting all the reasons for your anger and
bitterness into black and white. Whenever any negative feelings spring
up, all you need to do is to pick up a pen and a paper, and write a
letter as if you are writing-pouring your heart out to your
ex-partner. Feel free to state all the reasons for your anger, and how
it has affected you. Doing this as many times as possible, and tearing
or burning them afterwards, is you so wish, will relief you
tremendously.
How do you feel whenever you are offended and you burst out before
your offender, pouring out all your anger to that person? I guess that
after your outburst, you are usually relieved and more relaxed. That
is exactly how you will feel after writing your letter of annoyance,
for you will have the sentiment of having talked directly to your
ex-partner.
Another method is the one that most Therapists often use. It is known
as, "Beating the pillow". It is quite simple. It consists of locking
yourself in your bedroom, talking to your pillow-pouring out all your
anger and bitterness on it, and beating it as if your pillow is your
ex-partner. Feel free to shade tears if it comes, and continue this
process as long as necessary. After the episode, you will certainly
feel much better.
However, the ultimate solution to anger, and bitterness, regardless of
its cause is prayer-praying to the Almighty God, asking him to take
away all your anger and bitterness, and then give you peace of mind.
Perhaps you have never prayed, probably because you are not a
Believer. But that does not matter at all, because your Creator loves
and cares very much for you, irrespective of whom you are, and he is
everywhere, always listening to you. If you do not know how to pray,
simply praying using the following statement, believing with all your
heart that God will definitely grant your request will surely make a
difference. "Please God my Heavenly father, Creator of Heaven and
Earth and all therein, I ask you to forgive all my sins.
From today, I accept your son Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour,
and I invite him into my life. I pray that you fill me with you Holy
Spirit. I humbly ask you to take away all my anger and bitterness, and
replace it with joy and happiness that comes from you. I pray that you
give me the strength, wisdom, and all that I need, so that I can pass
through this situation successful, for your name to be glorified. In
Jesus mighty name I pray. Amen!" The easiest prayer is talking to God
as if he is your earthly father, and he is just beside you. Feel very
free to pour out all your agony to him. He is actually beside you, and
listening to you, and will definitely respond to your lamentation.
C. HANDLING GUILT AND SELF-BLAME
When relationships end, people often blame themselves for the failure.
While some guilt may be genuine; others are baseless. Your guilt is
genuine if you had knowingly or unknowingly contributed to your
separation. If the contrary is the case, then yours is unrealistic. A
lot has been written already about this subject; here our attention
would be focused on other ways of overcoming this poisonous feeling.
Quite often, when we hurt somebody, even if the victim of our action
has forgiven us, we sometimes find it difficulty to forgive ourselves.
This can sometimes apply when we hurt ourselves. Naturally, all the
inflicted wounds cannot heal while we are still torturing ourselves
with guilt and self-blame. Most unfortunately, an inability to
forgive-either others or ourselves can be very detrimental to the
realisation of our dreams and aspirations, because lack of forgiveness
brings about hatred, and the latter gives rise to negative thoughts,
which is one of the negative emotions, which obstructs imagination.
Thus, aspirations and creativity will fly away beyond grasp.
Forgiveness involves both attitude and action. If you find it
difficult to forgive yourself, just recall that you are just human,
and are subject to making mistakes. Each time you commit an error, if
you are to live with that guilt, it means, you only will live to think
about guilt and self-blame.
The easiest strategy to apply to forgive yourself for your mistakes
and shortcomings is to talk to yourself. When somebody offends you and
you wish to reconcile, what do you normally do? I guess you usually
create room for a dialogue with that person. Do the same with
yourself; state clearly the reasons why you have to forgive yourself.
You can even speak audibly. On doing this regularly, you will be very
astonished to realise how relieved you will feel.
The second principle for handling guilt is to listen and heed to the
advice of your loved ones whose opinions you cherish. Usually, their
advice and actions would be based on their sincere love for you. In
order words, their attitudes would be for your well-being.
The third technique has been mentioned already but deserves repeating
here. It is for you to recognise the existence of human limitations.
Whether you accept it or not, irrespective of how intelligent and wise
you may be, you are never, and will never be perfect in all your words
and actions. Hence, you are bound to be making mistakes. The most
important thing is that, each time it occurs, you have to analyse it,
correct it if possible, and look forward to the future.
D. FOCUS ON THE BAD MEMORIES
One of the main reasons people are devastated during separation is
because they often re-picture all the wonderful moments together, and
are afraid that such opportunities will never come their way again. Is
this fear usually realistic? Fortunately, the answer is no, for what
awaits them in the future might even be better than that of the past.
The second question that is rarely asked is, in our relationships, do
we only have fantastic times? Like the first question, the answer is
no because sometimes, the black moments might have been very
dark-some, very dark indeed. Quite often, the negative moments-though
in some relationships appears less frequently than the good ones, but
when surfaced, are very distressful.
Consequently, during separation-separations that are beyond retrieval,
if people can pause a second, instead of concentrating their energy to
remember the good times, they ponder over the bad moments, the
situation would be less heartbreaking. I know that many people would
disagree with me, for they will think that it would worsen the
situation. I do not share their opinion because thinking of the bad
moments, and seeing the separation as a liberating opportunity-in some
cases they are, will surely give the feeling of relief and optimism.
Hence, instead of fear, anger and bitterness, there will be the
feeling of liberation and that of hope for the future.
E. IMPORTANCE OF SELF-CARING ACTIVITIES
As previously stated, among other things, self-isolation and neglect
generally characterised the period of separation. Very regrettably,
this can intensify our negative feelings about the dilemma, prolong
the period of suffering, and worsen the effects of the predicament.
Conversely, the yoke of the torment of separation can be broken if the
opposite attitude is adopted. In the deplorable circumstance that
might confront us, which is not always easy, with determination, it is
quite possible to overcome the trauma of this phenomenon, if the
importance of the self-caring activities is realised. Below are some
of the self-caring activities.
1. The company of good, sensitive, and caring friends-with their
discussions and advises, you can be comforted and thereby be relieved
from the negative emotions.
2. Joining a group that relates to your passion could be relaxing;
consequently, relieve you of your distress.
3. Join divorce's group, if there is one in your neighbourhood,
because listening to others' experiences could make you to see things
differently. You might even realise that your situation is better than
most others. This discovery can give you a great relief. Besides, some
advises given by the group could be priceless.
4. If you are a Christian, attending church's services regularly and
participating in church's activities can be very advantageous, because
you are likely to meet somebody who will take interest in you and in
your problem, or somebody who have gone through your experience. With
his or her advice and concern, you will realise that, there is
somebody who cares for you. This has a tremendous positive effect on
your emotion. Among other things, church fellowship is to support each
member, providing moral, material, and spiritual help whenever
necessary.
5. During separation, with anger and bitterness, guilt and self-blame,
frustration, fear, and other consequences mentioned previously, a lot
of energy is consumed. The replenishing of this lost energy is very
necessary. Hence, it is important for you to recognise that eating
food of high nutritional values will enable you to achieve this
objective, thereby making you to feel better. Conversely, inadequate
or improper nourishment can intensify your emotional stress. Quite
often, people undergoing separation lost appetite. If this is your
case, just force yourself to eat, and eat well.
F. COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS
Birds sing of the glory, faithfulness, and the greatness of God. Ocean
Flowers smile, expressing their joy and excitement for God's majesty
and limitless love. All creatures-both great and small, except mankind
express God's supremacy and care in one way or the other.
Surprisingly, human is the only creature whose focus is directed only
to their negative perspective.
Generally, more than ninety per cent of our daily needs are granted.
Very astonishingly, we often ignore this, but concentrate our thoughts
and emotions on less than ten per cent that we lack. Does this not
indicate our ungratefulness to God? I think it does; for, considering
all that God has done for us, we suppose to always be happy and
grateful for his generosity.
This also applies to your present condition. As much as I acknowledge
the importance of a successful relationship to your life, I equally
believe that there are other spheres of your life that God has blessed
you enormously. These areas among others include: your children, your
loved ones, your career, your daily needs, and most importantly, your
health.
Do you realise that as you are reading these lines, there are hundreds
of thousands of people in your country who are struggling with serious
sicknesses, if not death? There is equally innumerable number of
people who are anxiously praying for just some of the things that God
has blessed you with. Do you think that you are better than them? If
your answer is yes, I doubt that very much, except if you can say what
you have done to deserve it.
All that you have, or are, God graciously give them to you, or make
you who you are. As you are encountering this difficult period, or any
other, just purse a second and think of everything that God has
graciously blessed you with. Do not forget that, as long as there is
life, there is always hope. So, before you allow the distress of
separation to suppress you, and kill your dreams, just count all your
blessings, and your blessing will abound. God bless you!
author-unknown
.JPG)
