God , first made idiots. This was for practice:)
...and then he made school boards/varsities!
Mark Twain
mark_twainUS humorist, novelist, short story author, & wit (1835 – 1910)
1. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
2. Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.
3. Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
4. Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
5. By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity — another man’s I mean.
6. Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are more pliable.
7. Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
8. Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
9. I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
10. I don’t give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.
11. I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.
12. I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
13. If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
14. If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.
15. In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language.
16. It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress.
17. It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
18. It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.
19. It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
20. Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.
21. Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
22. Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me are those I do understand.
23. The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
24. The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.
25. The man who doesn’t read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them.
26. The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.
27. There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
28. Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
29. We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don’t know anything and can’t read.
30. When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet deep down in his private heart no man much respects himself.
31. He had discovered a great law of human action, without knowing it – namely, that in order to make a man or a boy covet a thing, it is only necessary to make the thing difficult to obtain.
32. The history of our race, and each individual’s experience, are sown thick with evidence that a truth is not hard to kill and that a lie told well is immortal.
33. It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.
34. The report of my death was an exaggeration.
35. Good breeding consists of concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.
36. Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
37. Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
38. A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.
39. I am not one of those who in expressing opinions confine themselves to facts.
Source: http://www.quotationspage.com/quotes/Mark_Twain/1
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